Staying Strong When The World is Against You
This is not a post I wanted to be writing, but last week on Thursday something happened to me that has brought everything back. Something that has made me, I suppose, unpredictable and overly emotional for the last few days. Something that I need to write about (though not in too much detail) to get it off my chest, and hopefully inspire myself to keep moving forward.
At around 9.15pm I was walking down Briggate in Leeds, minding my own business, when a man started to come towards me. I was not in the mood to talk to anybody so I changed direction slightly to be on the other side of the bench that I was approaching, in order to be essentially walking in the middle of the road, but he doubled back on himself to approach me anyway. I saw his lips move but I had my earphones in, and when he spoke to me for just a moment I thought maybe he’d asked me for a lighter. That was not the case, though, and in my moment of hesitation he grabbed me and started dragging me across to his friend at the side of the street.
I was convinced that I was going to be raped again, if not kidnapped and murdered. It was pure luck that this time I did not freeze but instead I managed to shift my weight to nearly knock him over, and twist and run away, or else I’m not entirely sure how the situation would’ve panned out.
I’m trying my best to stay strong and positive and not let this affect me at all but it’s not easy and I’m not going to lie that it is. It feels like things like this always happen to me, and that I’m never going to be able to change it no matter what I do or where I move to. I feel like I don’t belong to myself, like I was only put on this planet to be some kind of object for people to use and abuse. I can’t sleep for my nightmares again and I don’t want to eat or do anything except drink a lot and stay close to a friend who isn’t even around right now.
I honestly just don’t know how I’m supposed to deal with this, but I’m trying my best. My whole life it’s like the world has constantly been against me. Nothing ever goes even remotely to plan and things always happen to me that should never happen to anybody. I’m never able to put 100% into anything because there’s something always happens to hold me back. But I don’t want this to set me back, not in any way. I still want to live, I still want to achieve, I still think that it maybe could be okay someday.
I’m lucky that I’ve been fairly busy since this incident, what with going to Hull to write for the Amy Johnson Festival, a Manic Street Preachers concert, seeing my family, my echocardiogram, a walk up on Skipton Moor and tomorrow will be my first snowboarding lesson. I’ve mostly had to stick myself together because other people have been relying on me to do things and by some miracle I’ve been kept from crisis thanks to this.
The truth is, though, I’m writing this to make extra sure that I keep myself accountable, so that I don’t do anything to myself, and so that I keep the fight in me. I’m not really okay and I’m struggling a ridiculous amount, but I promise you reading this that I will not give up right now, and I always keep my promises.