Where Did I Go?

About a year and a half ago I was preparing to come back to my blog after a difficult few months of trying to balance my health and university studies. It took so much of my energy to do the bare minimum back then that I just didn’t have time for anything else.

That year was tough, there were a lot of ups and downs. One thing that I did achieve was that I didn’t have to defer my first set of exams, and I finally accepted my Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis and went on the waiting list for DBT. Once I started to be more self aware I was better able to manage my life, I managed to start doing things again and I even got into a relationship that has been far more consistent and peaceful than anything I’ve ever had before.

But then, suddenly, I was struggling again. It just crept up on me, I don’t now even remember what triggered it. All of my second semester exams and assignments were deferred, and I got put back on medication.

Just as I was really getting my life back together, about to finally complete my second year of university and pick up where I left off, the thing you think that you will never experience happened. I was caught up in a terror attack.

It’s been over a year now since it happened, which I can’t believe. I’ve spent most of it in a daze. I lost my independence, I lost all of my abilities to engage in hobbies or have any real social life, I lost my faith and I descended into the hell that is agoraphobia. I’m extremely grateful to be alive, and even though I sustained an injury to my ear that’s lifelong, it’s relatively minor and nothing in comparison to what other people now have to live with.

Of course though, as a music student, my ear has caused me significant stress and affects my daily life. I’d had some tiny, barely noticeable hearing loss already due to listening to loud music too often but it was nothing compared to this. For months, I felt underwater, and I struggled to play my instrument both due to hearing distortion and pain. Learning to adapt, to relearn how to play, to be assertive when I can’t hear and just cope with everything has been hard. I have struggled so much emotionally with my memories of the attack and also the feeling of uselessness that my injury and mental health gave me.

Yet, I’m still here, I’m managing somehow and things are getting better. I’ve refocused my energy onto the things that I love, which has given me a boost. By some miracle, I’ve almost finished the final year of my degree, and I actually learnt a new trade which gave me a huge boost of confidence and now, here I am. Surviving and seeking to finally become my best.

My blog and social media is undergoing a bit of a rebrand so please excuse me while I clean up. Hopefully we’re back to business as usual now, and I’m looking forward to sharing my thoughts and journey with you again.

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